I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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