Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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