Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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