dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
her vagine was all disorganized.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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