Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You made out with two different species that night
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
