i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
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So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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