Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
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I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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