I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
