i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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