Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
