i just wanna soil my oats bro
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
