It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
