once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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