my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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