Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
