I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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