jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
