I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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