The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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