I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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