he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
