whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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