I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
