I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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