I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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