wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
