Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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