If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
