Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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