I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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