I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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