..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
