Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
