strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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