walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
