Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If I die, sorry about rent.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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