I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
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