please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
