My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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