I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
