mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
