Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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