Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
