i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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