I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
