Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
