weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
