I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
