I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
