i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
