Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
