Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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