My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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