Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize