I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
