it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
