Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
