On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.â€
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